Turning Off the “Automatic No” Switch
Here’s today’s Zits comic strip. It pretty much sums up how to crush your child’s dreams: just say no.
[Click here for a larger image.]
I would hate it if I turned out to be the mother in this strip, the one who just gives an automatic no. No thinking, no sharing of the child’s excitement, only flat-out no. I’m not thrilled that mothers take the blame — don’t dads ever put the kibosh on things? — but it still speaks the truth about parenting in general. So I see the strip as an example of what not to do: Don’t just say no. Turn off the “automatic no” switch and instead support my kids’ dreams. Over the past two years or so, I’ve come to see myself as my children’s partner in dream fulfillment. We’ve still got to get through the day-to-day realities of life, but I’ve learned to say yes more and more, and it makes all the difference.
So instead of saying no to some of their wackier-sounding (to me) ideas, Mr. Enigma and I say yes a lot. And then we try to figure out how we can make whatever they’re asking for happen. Maybe we can do it right then and there. Often, we have to work together on a plan to make it happen down the road. Sometimes we tweak the details. But the answer is still, “Yes, we can. Let’s figure out how.” Our kids still think we say no too often, but I know that we’ve made a shift and that we’ll continue to work on saying yes more.
In May, a 13-year-old friend of ours was telling us about a trip to Paris she’s planning with friends for when they’re 18. My daughter, age 10, immediately asked if she could go too. I said, “Sure!” She can go, even though she’ll be younger than the other kids. We might have to delay the trip until she’s 16 and the others are 19. And we’ll have to plan very carefully to make sure we can ensure her safety. If we can figure out how to make the trip safe (within reason), she can go. Maybe I’ll fly over there with them to get them situated. Maybe my brother, who lived in Paris for 10 years, can hook the kids up with some local friends to help make sure they’re safe and have a decent meal once or twice. He might even be living in Paris again by then. Who knows? The specifics are irrelevant right now. The key is that I wasn’t going to say no to that trip. Why would I crush the dream?
Within a couple of days, my daughter and I started to figure out we could make the trip happen. To estimate the cost, we researched current airfares, Eurorail, and youth hostel rates, as well as what other young, cash-strapped travelers have said about food and related travel expenses. We calculated what a 2-week trip would cost in today’s money. And then we figured out how much she’d have to earn and save each year for the next 5.5 years. It came to a few hundred dollars per year. To her, the money seems almost impossible. We’re talking about a young kid with very few opportunities to earn significant amounts of cash. But I explained to my daughter that as she gets older, she’ll have more opportunities to earn money. She also has a savings account she can tap into for the trip. Financially, it’s very doable, and I want her to believe that it’s doable. If she wants it, she can do it.
Will my daughter ever take that trip? I don’t have a crystal ball. Five+ years is a long time. But if she doesn’t, it won’t be because her father and I just gave her an automatic no. We’re not going crush her hopes and dreams.
Link: Zits, 08/02/09
JJ Ross said,
August 3, 2009 @ 5:52 pm
This post made me smile. A lot.
JJ Ross said,
August 3, 2009 @ 6:01 pm
Maybe show your daughter and the other girls all the posts about our 19-year-old and her 18-year-old friend. They’ve been in Europe five weeks on their own and should be home late tomorrow night. The most relevant post right now might be the one about the planning, where the other girl wrote that she never REALLY believed but she kept planning for more than a year, and somehow depsite obstacles including but not limited to money, it all happened just like in her dreams.
The Background Story:
And even if it hadn’t, what a wonderful year she and her two dear friends would have gotten out of it, dreaming together.
You can type “Unschooling Europe” into the Snook search box and get all their travel posts or just click here and then go to the earliest post first to read about it chronologically.
lori said,
August 6, 2009 @ 3:36 pm
JJ, yes, I was thinking about FavD’s trip when I wrote this post. I wondered how long she and her friend had been planning it. Thanks for posting the link here!
And yes, what a great thing just to dream — dreaming itself is a wonderful, worthwhile experience! I think we give our kids a gift when we encourage them to dream and we take something away when we just say no. And look what happens when you dream: sometimes dreams turn into reality.
This is what I keep telling myself about living at the beach.
Someday. Until then, I dream.
Fanny Harville said,
August 28, 2009 @ 10:55 am
Just wanted to say how much I agree with this post. Saying “yes” to our kids is powerful! And thanks for your recent comment on my blog.